Is My Partner Gaslighting Me? How to Spot Warning Signs and Seek Help

Do you often find yourself second-guessing whether something really happened? Does your partner frequently dismiss your feelings or concerns by saying you are overreacting? Have you become more isolated from your loved ones? If so, you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse where one person makes someone else question their own perceptions, memories, or judgement, in a bid to gain control over them.

Gaslighting is often done in a gradual, subtle manner, and can sometimes be disguised as an attempt to look out for you. But over time, this behaviour chips away at your self-esteem and can lead to confusion, heightened anxiety, and loss of confidence.

Mainstream awareness of gaslighting has increased in recent years, partly due to pop culture references like The Truman Show and Gone Girl.

While these may be extreme and fictionalised examples, they have helped to broaden the discussion around gaslighting, including highlighting red flags and how to avoid them in relationships.

What exactly is “gaslighting”?

The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a man gradually manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the gaslights in their home and insisting she is imagining it, as part of a scheme to cover up his theft.

Over time, the term entered popular culture and psychology, and has been widely used in movies, TV shows, books, and clinical discussions to describe a pattern of manipulation where someone makes another person doubt their perception of reality. This concept has seen a surge in public discourse during the mid-2010s, especially on social media. “Gaslighting” was even named Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022.

While gaslighting can take many forms, here are five of the most common tactics:

1. Lying

Gaslighters may lie or deny something happened, even when there is evidence to prove otherwise. This causes the victim to question their memory and judgement.

Example: “I never said that, you’re making things up.”

2. Coercion

Gaslighters manipulate the victim into second-guessing themselves or their version of events. . This erodes the victim’s confidence and gives the gaslighter more control over their thoughts and actions.

Example: “You’re overreacting, don’t be crazy — no one else would get upset about this.”

3. Scapegoating

Gaslighters may deflect blame onto the victim so that they incorrectly believe they have done something wrong or are at fault, even when they are not.

Example: “This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so careless.”

4. Reality Questioning

Gaslighters distort reality so that the victim doubts themselves and questions what they have said,done, or experienced.

Example: “You’re imagining things, that’s not what happened.”

5. Trivialising

Gaslighters dismiss or minimise the victim’s feelings. This undermines the victim’s self-esteem and makes them more reliant on the gaslighter’s version of reality.

Example: “You’re being dramatic – it’s not a big deal.”

Why do people gaslight others?

People who gaslight often do so to gain control, validate themselves, or feel superior over others. At its core, gaslighting is about power and dominance in the relationship.

This behaviour could be a result of negative childhood experiences where a gaslighter learnt to use manipulation or lying as a survival strategy to get their needs met.
Gaslighting may also be associated with certain personality traits or conditions, for example, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or other personality disorders.

Signs your partner is gaslighting you

If you are concerned that your partner may be gaslighting you, consider whether they:

Lie or deny things have happened
Twist the facts
Accuse you of overreacting with phrases like “You’re too sensitive”, “I was joking”, or “You’re crazy’’
Spread rumours about you or say people are talking badly about you
Shift blame onto you
Isolate you from your family and friends
Love bomb you with gifts and affection

You can also reflect on your own feelings and behaviours to check if you are being gaslighted. You may notice about yourself:

Heightened anxiety
Frequently feeling that you are to blame and should apologise
Loss of confidence
Questioning your actions and reality
Feeling as though you are losing your identity
Persistent unease or a gut-feeling that something isn’t right

What to do if your partner is gaslighting you

If you believe that your partner is gaslighting you, remember that it is not your fault. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation, and there is nothing you could have done to cause or prevent their behaviour.

Here are some things you can do:

Gather evidence

Taking notes immediately after things happen will provide you with evidence so that you don’t need to question what really happened. This can help you trust your own memory and provide clarity when you begin to doubt yourself.

Talk to family and friends

Gaslighting often isolates you from loved ones, and reaching out to friends and family may seem difficult, but it is important to have a strong support system around you to help you gain perspective, remind you of your worth, and counteract the self-doubt caused by gaslighting.

Stand up for yourself

It may be a scary thought, but it is essential to set boundaries. Stand firm, trust your version of events, and don’t get drawn into arguments if they try to make you second-guess yourself. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and you have the right to your own perceptions.

Leave the relationship

A gaslighter rarely acknowledges or changes their behaviour. If your partner consistently gaslights you and damages your well-being, it may be best to leave the relationship. Ending things can be difficult, but the toxic cycle needs to be broken, and it is crucial to prioritise your mental health. If this seems impossible, it may be helpful to seek professional support while navigating this.

How to get help

Gaslighting is dangerous and can have a devastating impact on mental health, including leaving victims more susceptible to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, and even suicidal thoughts.

At New Vision Psychology, our experienced psychologists offer tailored therapy and counselling to help you:

Recognise gaslighting behaviours and identify whether you’re being gaslighted
Rebuild confidence and self esteem
Develop strategies to protect yourself in current or future relationships

If you are in crisis or need urgent support, the following support services are available 24/7:

Lifeline – 131 114
Domestic Violence Line – 1800 65 64 63
1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732
The Salvation Army – 1300 363 622
The Line – 1800 695 463

If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services on 000.

Recognising gaslighting is the first and most important step toward breaking free from its effects. With the right support, you can rebuild your confidence and create healthier relationships. Remember you are not alone, and help is always available.